Not sure why it's taken me so long to come up for air after the whole Ryan thing. Even Sunday, on my drive back to LA from San Diego, I still cried when I thought about how sad and hard it is to not talk to him. I have enough reason, without any of this, to be over it all- like 2 years ago. But it hasn't worked like that for me. I know that Ryan, isn't for me, which is why when I 've had the chance to take him back I didn't. But he's been my safety net. And now I have to deal with reality.
On New Year's Day (or the day after) I watched El Cantante with my mom and grandma and I really, really related to Puchi. I had already begun to uncover that the root of my ideal love story was crafted from watching all the mobster movies growing up. I want to be the girl who endures all to have the man, the prize. I've put so much work into Ryan and I'm not the one who gets the pay off. I feel so betrayed. The way the story goes, he was supposed to come back begging and indebted to me for having been there through thick and thin. We were supposed to better and stronger together...
A long time ago, Nonie pointed out that I was often mean to Ryan and was always trying to make him into something he wasn't. I always did want him to be more. Of course I knew him in a way no one else did. I saw the glimpses of what was hiding inside, but he likes his life the way it is and doesn't want to have to question or challenge any of the rules/roles of his world. That's opposite of what I want in a partner.
Amalia says no matter how much I love(d) him, it's over. "Why would you want that misery in your life?" Christina says the gods have protected me and made sure that he stayed out of my life. Cathy says it's better this way, because I had been carrying around so much guilt about moving on. I know all this. 100% I believe that everything happens for a reason, so I'll cry whenever and get it all out and be more dedicated to getting in tune with what I feel.
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