Well, well, well

It's Sunday and I'm not stressing about what I need to do to get ready for tomorrow. I'm watching C-SPAN at Sonny's eating one of the brownies he has just finished baking. He drove 30 min around 10 am this morning to come pick me up because, well, I don't have a car. It's probably totaled. Again. I talked to my dad on the phone last night and because I am safe and unharmed, he chuckled, "Mija, is there ANYTHING else that can happen to you?" I said, "Yes. But let's hope it's all over." It should have been a happy, carefree day. Finally, I had mustered up the courage to take a stand. I was listening to Santogold every morning on my way to work to increase my justification.

I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe...

Change, change, change,
I want to get up out of my skin
tell you what
if I can shake it
I'm 'a make this
something worth dreaming of...

But then I crashed, and didn't feel so high. I want to cry. I want to feel pitiful. But I can't. My mind keeps a running list of all the reasons I have no right to own my misery. I have no right to even let it rest on the edge of my heart. Right? Daisy sent another Jason Mraz song and that completely changes my tone.

I stayed in this weekend, which is becoming easier and easier to do. My neck was sore and I wanted to insulate myself. I want to feel protected. I told Bridgette that I feel so "together," yet I am falling apart. I know I am not saying much and leaving a lot of things out. I have to get used to feeling again. I have to build my processing stamina.