Richard Powell, 1/28/1964

The legal proceedings have started against Richard. (I guess I use his name, even though it bothers some people, because that's how I knew him. He was my apt manager. I saw him almost daily. As I walked to my apt from the driveway, he'd say, "How was your day?"... I would tell him how nice the lawns looked or comment on the new picket fences... It feels odd to say, my attacker, that man, etc. He's not faceless...) The DA has offered him a pre-preliminary deal: 9 years, one count of assault with attempt to commit rape and residential burglarly. He and his supervisor thought this was a good deal. If he takes it, he'll serve at least 85% of the term and when he gets out, he'll have to register as a sex offender. I don't know if that's fair, or if it equals the suffering I'm having to deal with. I just know the DA wants it over with. I wonder what his caseload is like? Richard goes back to trial on the 19th. DA thinks we'll know whether he accepts the deal or not on that day.

I'm still fighting off panic attacks. I'm still pretending that I'm not afraid of being alone. It works quite often, but when it gets to me, I don't know what to do but pray/meditate and reach out to Ryan. I talked to Daisy a little about this last night. I have lots of ways to rationalize this crutch he provides. He's close, but far. And maybe that adds to the comfort. I get what I need with no pressure to give back. I miss him a lot, like I miss my sense of safety and security. I've been (sort of) trying to find a "good" psychotherapy group to join. I think it might help to meet some people who understand all the mix of emotions. I know my friends and family are sincere when they say, "You'll be ok," but it's not quite the encouragement I need. I still feel unprepared to really even delve into this...